Precarious Angel

I had a terrible day at work, I chose to leave that place and my boss wanted to let me go as well. I was calm in the beginning and accepted the fact that I did not add value. But, after a while, as I observed things, it hit me like how the idea of protests and economic reform hit the kids at the Tiananmen Square in 1938. My ocular myokmia triggered again and this time the nerve was pumping restlessly, it was crushing my soul. I felt like, I should pull my eye out and throw it out of the car.

I reached home with anger, frustration and my eyes full of tears. I was full of emotions, my head felt heavy, because stress had taken complete control over myself. Since, my childhood, whenever I was angry, I did a lot of self torture. I had gotten into this habit, whenever my mother scolded me and went away. I’d take out my steel scale and beat the shit out with full power on thighs until the thighs were bloody red. I did the same, I did not know where to go, where to jump from, how to jump. I just went in front of the mirror, saw the filthy face and slapped the hell out of myself. The fault wasn’t completely mine, but only I was in uncontrollable control of myself. I can’t go and beat and torment other people, that is not fair according to the set of rules. I just stood at the edge of the balcony crying and thinking. Not sure of all the thoughts, they were kind of exaggerated feelings and emotions.

There was a knock on my door, it was my girlfriend. I did not answer on the initial few knocks, it seems some of my senior colleague told her about my firing and that is why she probably ran to my house. I ran towards the washroom, splashed some water over my face and wiped my face, But I was still angry because I couldn’t even hide those filthy red marks on my face. I went towards the door opened it, saw her in front of me. She had come directly from her office. She wore a white shirt, pressed to perfection, a black trouser and suede block heeled shoes. Spectacles on like always, with shiny cheeks and her dark curly hair have always flooded my emotions out in front of her. She came in, I walked ahead and went into the balcony. She pulled me out of the balcony, and slammed the door wildly. I was scared, because I knew what was going to happen now.

She held my hand, made me sit on the sofa away from the mirror. Placed her palm on my cheeks and glided her thumb from underneath my eyes where it had started swelling. The thumb had gotten moist by the moment she had even touched my cheeks. I bursted. And, I knew that this was going to happen. I knew she’d come, just touch me with affection and I’m all flowing. It wasn’t the job which I had lost. It was the stress and panic attacks which were building inside me from a long time. I started crying a lot and I just couldn’t stop. Tears flowed wildly in desperation and wanting a sense of love. She was giving me all of that. She got up, held my head around her chest and pressed it heavily on her chest. I had lost sense of myself. I was breathing heavily because of the crying and the outburst I was having. I was very terrified and scared the whole time. I did not know what to do, where to run and how to survive with all the self-implicated pain which gave me pleasure.

For the next 5 minutes, I clinged to her, holding her tightly, wrapped my hands around her hip. She made sure that I know, she’s going nowhere. She said, “It’s not just the job right ?”. I nodded my head. “What is it ?”. I said, “I don’t know. I don’t have answers”. I was of course angry on the situation, outrageous about the people and as always, I hated the world. In situations like these, you always feel like you don’t belong to the world and maybe you should take a leave. I felt the same. She said, “Don’t worry. I am here. Get aside”. I left her free to hug her again. She sat by my side, like a brave angel with curly hairs. Placed her hand over my head, and made me rest my head over her lap. Tears did not stop the whole time. My eyes were closed this whole time. I was feeling the itch in my right eye because it did broke some minor nerve and blood was spreading because of the slap. I did not want to see anything at this point. I could feel her face coming towards mine. She kissed on my cheek and kept on rustling her fingers through my hair. Occasionally, pressed her fingers with pressure over my eyebrows to help me with pain from migraine.

She said, “Things go wrong, we are humans. I know you are liking all the pain and self harm. I am not asking you to stop, but I want you to understand what state you are in. Your mind is a very harsh drug which you are consuming a lot day by day. I don’t know how to fix you, since, your mind is very rigid and you don’t let things get into your mind very easily. I want you to learn things. I love you and I am here for you”.

I had stopped my psychologist treatment just after 2 sessions because of the fear. Thinking it would fix things in my head and I did not want that to happen. This sense of pain and stress always felt like the pleasure which came from doing drugs. I had calmed down a bit by then, stopped crying and was feeling very dizzy. She started singing softly, “Who cares if one more light goes out, in the sky of a million stars. Well, I do” and rested her head on my shoulders while gliding her fingers through my hairs. She put me to sleep in no time.

I woke up to a call in the evening at around 7:30 PM. She had gone by then and left a note for me to eat food, take my pills, go back to sleep and she’ll come see me tomorrow. It was a call from an unknown number, I picked it up and the person on the other side told me that she was hit by a truck while her way back home.