October 14th, 1975

Train honk sounds and crowd cheering!

“GET READY TO WITNESS A TRAVELING FAMILY OF EXTRAORDINARY ARTISTS CALLED THE ‘AMICORUM SPECTACULUM’!”

“THIS IS A STORY OF A UNIQUE SHOW AND A GROUP OF TALENTED ARTISTS. THEY HAVE WANDERED THEIR WHOLE LIFE PERFECTING THEIR ART AND PERSONALITY!”

violins roaring

“BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE HYPNOTIZING HIPS OF THE BEST DANCER IN THE WORLD - EL CATERENA”

Heavy heel tapping sounds from cabaret dance.

“YOU’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THE MIRACULOUS SKILLS OF XANASER - THE PUPPETEER!”

And so the introduction to the musical show went on, while I’m hanging on a rope performing my dance. There’s this machine behind the stage set which controls all of our ropes. It’s been around 2 years since I started working with this group of artists who perform as a mystical and witty troupe of puppets. We are called “The Venga Troupe”.

Today, we are invited to be a part of this musical show which is called the “Amicorum Spectaculum”. It’s a very big, 7 day festival in Antwerp, Belgium.

It’s not at all like the narrator says. We aren’t controlled by Xanaser, the puppeteer, We are controlled by machines and not any puppeteer. In fact, we are the puppeteers and the puppets. We are a team of jesters and harlequins and we decide how we will puppet ourselves. We do it with the help of alter egos.

It’s a brilliant sight, I’m hanging roughly at the height of five-storey building and doing hand movements. It’s a bit awkward because my trousers are a bit tight today. I’m not sure who wore my original costume, but these trousers surely are one size lesser than my usual size. A jester already wears very tight-striped trousers. It was actually a big mess in the dressing room. We all had done our makeup and almost all of us looked similar, so I couldn’t identify the other person.

The stage is decorated with brilliant lights and I am hanging in front of an audience of probably some twenty thousand people who would be jumping like anything as the last artist for this festival shows up. It reminds me of the circus and is a sight to behold. I remember, going to a circus and getting abandoned by my father there itself.

I think, I was 9 or 10. It was a rough winter in the city of Budapest. My parents had gotten freshly divorced and apparently, the worst had to happen with me - my dad got my custody. Post-divorce, he was mostly depressed, drinking heavily and doing drugs to escape his reality. I did not know how to tell my side to the court and the judge. I just sat there looking at the colorful glass artwork piece in the center of courtroom ceiling.

I heard someone screeching at me. I looked here and there and noticed the jester beside me. He was trying to say something and I yelled in English, “Fuck it man, I can’t hear you these drum rolls are sucking life outta ma ears!!!”

And, the machine behind the stage took him to his next performance called “The Sway Pole”. It’s a tall pole which keeps on swaying and the performer balances himself on it. It’s a brilliant and complex cirque act, I love doing it, But my stomach already hurts. And, I don’t want to vomit on the dancing crowd.

Anyways, coming back to reality. For a long long time, I thought that my troubles are what trapped me. But, recently, I’ve been feeling that it’s way more complex than I thought. I am trapping the troubles inside me and the troubles are trapping a little one inside my mind.

On the final day of deciding my custody, the judge asked me what side would I want to live with. And I said nothing. And to add more to the sadness, here my options were not something like a “Lindt or ChocoMe” or “Superman Doll or RC Tank”. It was a choice between two parents. I did not say anything, in my mind, I felt I would be better off alone somewhere on the streets.

I don’t know what happened, my memory is completely blurred, but the court decided to give custody to my dad. Oftentimes, I think the mother gets the custody of child. I was one of the rare cases. The court had asked my mother to pay a fee of “4000 Forint” as childcare because she had a food cart business. She was willing to pay, I guess. And, my dad denied it as he felt my mother needed it more and he can take care of my expenses. I don’t really know.

I was the toy.

With time my dad got so addicted that we did not have money for bread just after 5 days of him getting the salary. Things just got worse and I just saw myself getting more mundane with time.

It was October 14, 1975, we were getting ready to go to a circus in the town. I was quite happy because of how much I have loved watching clowns. Honestly, I had always wanted to be one. I did not go to a school to do any cosplay with my mates, if I had gone, I would’ve surely dressed like a harlequin from the old times.

The circus was located an hour from our house, in one corner of the “Népliget Park” (People’s Park). Nowadays, Budapest metro has a dedicated metro station for the Park, but back then we only had the bus for commuting.

“Uhmm, wait, what was the show called? I can’t really remember, aahhhhhh.”, I whispered between the loud noise of the DJ.

“Woooooaaa, Slowwww Bitch!!”, I shouted as the crane had a very sudden and fast descent. I’m sure, he did that mistakenly. I mean, common, the height is way too much to see your own fall.

My performance was done for the next 1 hour, until the musical is towards an end. I really love how the concept of the whole festival is around dance forms, circus and mystical surrealism. I love it, I would want to work for these people after my current job.

I reached the floor and started running to our dressing room. Changed into the Pierrot costume. We had already planned our makeup to be the same across both the acts. I sat eating a banana and was thinking about the day Don Szabo decided to abandon his little Vincent.

A few tears, but that was also what I wanted.

There are a few memories I hold onto and this is one of them. I don’t want to forget that day ever.

We got off at the Népliget bus station and started walking towards the entrance of the Park. My father let me hold his Index finger. My hands were small enough to find his index finger big.

He said, “Vince, felszállhatsz egyetlen körre, és veszünk egy jegyet a nagyszabású előadásra.”. Meaning, I could get into one ride and he’d buy a ticket for the grand show with the rest of the money. He was spending a lot that day. He also got me a cotton candy at the entrance circus ground.

I saw the carousel ride from a distance and wanted to ride it. I gave two little pulls to my fathers finger, he looked down at me and I pointed towards the carousel ride. We went closer and he got me a ticket.

The person in charge of the ride took my cotton candy from me and slipped his hands under my arms to pick me up. I was sitting among other kids of my age for the very first time and I felt very awkward by their sight.

The ride started and I glanced at my father waving his right hand at me. I raised my hand and waved at him as the rotation progressed but I couldn’t see him while waving my hand. I was ready to wave in the next rotation but he wasn’t there.

He was gone and I couldn’t see him after the ride was finished as well. I did not go in search of him and just decided to sit in front of the carousel ride with my cotton candy.

I could feel that he left me alone in the circus.

I was lost in the sight of the kids laughing on the ride looking back at their parents. And I realized someone tapping on my head. As I turned around, I saw white baggy pants which had absurdly big black buttons hung on them. I tilted my head upwards and saw a face covered with white and black makeup.

They moved their hand towards me with a rose in it. I took it in my hand and heard them say something like, “Hallelujah kid, can I be your parent ?” in a very melancholic and cold tone.

Back then, I did not really understand what that sentence meant because I learned English a couple of years after I left Budapest. That too only a little for business purposes. We usually speak in Dutch amongst ourselves.

I replied, “Szia, nem tudom, mi vagy, de kedves vagy. El akarok bújni, szóval magaddal vinnél?”.