EP 722: Here's my amygdala, Kurt

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know

“Kurt, every time I breath, I get a deja vu, because I have just taken a breathe one to two seconds ago. It’s annoying but it’s the reality. We don’t realize we have been deja vu-ing for our whole life with breathing”, I said.

“Ahh, that kinda makes sense.”, Kurt replied.

“Similarly, I keep on thinking about things. I feel unreal and claustrophobic about them a lot of times. To put it a bit more clearly, I think It is like, I was asked to drive a car. But, I was never told that when the car starts I don’t have control over anything other than the steering wheel”. I silently said it to him.

“It’s as if you’ve not been given control of anything while you have the right and responsibility to take the turn you feel is right”, I said with frustration.

Today, the park was full of kids and it was mostly me, Kurt and a bunch of other guys in the park. The kids played and kept on laughing the whole time. All of them seemed to be loving Meri-go-round. I’d say, it really is the best ride in a public park.

Kurt was sitting silently staring at the kids and he said, “I don’t think you have completed your sentence, right ?”

I replied, “Ahh yeah, I was thinking about what I said”.

“By the way, I have gotten addicted to Lithium and Something in the way, I can’t stop listening to those songs. The chorus in both of the songs is brilliantly done, especially your cold voice which feels like it has become a part of me”.

“Ahh yes, those are one of the effortless songs in Nevermind. I did not have to sit and write any special poetry for them. Efforts feel worthless”, he said.

“Fair enough, I’m not sure about efforts but I’m surely very much against trying things.”, I said with great despair and disappointment in what just came out of my mouth.

We got up and started walking towards my home while chit-chatting about how he wrote “Territorial Pissings”.

I saw a guy who was walking towards us, he looked troublesome and that is what he was. He had a cigarette in his hand and had a very creepy smile.

I almost held a breath when he came near to us. He was just away from us by a hand’s distance.

He took a puff and exhaled the smoke over my face and laughed. And, I yelled at him, “Don’t do that”.

He replied, “Haha, you don’t like it ? But you need it, don’t you ?”

He repeated it and this time I pushed him and shouted, “I told you not to do that”.

He smirked and took a very long puff this time and exhaled it all on Kurt’s face.

I pushed him very hard this time and he fell down.

He was lying on the floor with his arm resting his shoulder and said, “You shouldn’t be messing up me”.

I started walking towards my house, I knew for sure that he will come for me very soon.

I reached my apartment and sat near my sick mother and I was telling how I met Kurt in the park and got to talk with him. No one came to disturb him and we really got to talk a lot about his music.

She was happy listening to it. She patted me over my head and said, “I want to take some rest now, go in your room and why don’t you draw Kurt playing a guitar?”

I said, “that’s an interesting idea”.

I got up and got out of her bedroom and said, “Rest well, I’ll wake you up once I prepare the dinner”.

She said, “Don’t prepare a lot, just porridge is fine for us”

I replied, “Alright” and shut the door.

I went to my room and started my computer. Searched for Kurt’s concert photos on Google Images and found a perfect one with him wearing a striped black and red jumper sweatshirt and blue jeans.

I started drawing the rough structure and was done with it in no time. Music makes changes in my mood. So, I played “Something’s in the Way” on loop and did my wor.

In the next 15-20 minutes, I was done with the base structure and the next layer of perfecting the drawing. I wasn’t satisfied with how I did his hair though, I had messed up in the head like I always do.

I whispered, “Somethings in my way, hmmmmmm hmm” “somethings in my way, hhmmmhmmm hhmm”

Humming with the chorus, I couldn’t believe how soothing that song felt every time I listened to it.

“Go! listen to it”.

All of a sudden, I got reminded about the guy who was troubling us in the park. I had a feeling that he was gonna come any minute now. Most probably with a few more guys to beat me up to pulps.

I knew it because, I saw 2 guys from the same park following me till my apartment complex entrance.

I looked at the drawing and felt that it wasn’t going any good. I felt that I should add wings on Kurt’s back.

I quickly searched “Angel Wings” on Google Images to look at a reference and drew the rough structure. With a Sakura micron pen I perfected the outlines with frequent jitters on the end. Now, after adding the wings, I could actually call the drawing MINE because it was different from everyone else’s. It had my thought process and uniqueness that said, “Kurt is this angel I like listening to”. It’s sad that he killed himself years ago.

I heard a sudden thud from the main door and I quickly got up while knowing who it was going to be.

I ran towards my door and as soon as I opened, I saw 2 guys with stones in their hand.

They threw the stones as soon as I opened the door and I managed to dodge one of them while the other hit my lower abdomen.

I said, “It wasn’t my fault, It was no where my fault. He came at me first and started disturbing me.”

They did not seem to care, they just kept on laughing and started picking things from the kitchen to beat me with.

After a few seconds, the troublesome maniac came back with his creepy smile and stood in the front door.

I looked at my broken table which keeps tilting all the time. I broke it’s leg as it was easy to break. And, I got the leg’s rod in my hand for defense.

Held the rod in my hand and started beating the two who came at me. Both of them dodged me and started throwing stones at me again.

I got hurt quite a lot and they were now very near to my body.

One of them held my torso and made me kneel down. The other kept on hitting in my back with his elbow.

I kept on crying and said, “you can’t do this, You shouldn’t be doing this to me for no reason. I never came first, you were the one who came to trouble me”.

He laughed and said the same thing again, “You wanted it, I gave it and perhaps, I already mentioned that you shouldn’t be messing up with me”.

I shouted, “What the fuck ? what the fuck are you eve say–”.

I got punched in the face by one of them and it broke my teeth. I started bleeding all over.

I turned back to hit the other guy.

But, suddenly, I could feel I was bleeding over my head and something sharp was pricking me on the head.

The troublesome guy took a glass jar and he smashed it over my head before I could even hit one of his mates.

I fell to the ground and I passed out.

After a while, I realized I had blacked out. All of the things which happened were probably a dream when I passed. I had powered off my phone because of how disturbing and suffocating everything around me felt.

I powered it on and I entered the pattern, but it was wrong. I thought, it was just a mistake and I re-entered the pattern twice-thrice. None of it worked.

I realized, I had forgotten my 4 year old password.