October 14th, 1976

Don and Vince

“Vince”

“Vince”, said Travis, my teammate.

I was lost in my thoughts, and I did not hear him calling my name.

“Ja ja, hoe gaat het?” I chuckled.

“Alles goed met je? Waar ben je verdwaald?” he asked.

“Niks bijzonders, ik zat gewoon ergens over na te denken,” I replied.

This was my first time dressing like a Pierrot. We wanted to experiment with more personalities. We don’t really have any other skill than developing theatrical personalities.

I woke up to see myself in the mirror. I looked exactly the same as Don.

Don Tart.

That day at Nepliget Park, after I met the pierrot. He just sat beside me quietly for some time, looking all around the park with just a simple smile. He did not say anything at all. The kids ran past him but very few had the guts to come over and say “Hi” or climb on his arms.

That’s also because kids are scared of a Pierrot. They might be scared of a Joker dressed up as a villain with a pink balloon. But a Pierrot is scary in its own way. Mostly, because of the silent, melancholic, and rejected nature.

I sat there beside him, wondering about the sight in front of me. The air felt strange beside him. Every now and then, I’d tilt my eyeballs to look at them and find him smiling at the kids. Once in a while, he’d also gather some courage to wave his hand at one of the kids running past us.

My cotton candy was huge, but I ended up finishing it. And why wouldn’t I, right ? I was dead hungry that afternoon.

As a 10-year-old, it was hard to live with my father. He’d often take his overcoat and leave for the night, saying, “Vince, Egy óra múlva visszajövök”. He would say that as if he were really going to return that night. He never did as he said. Oftentimes, he was gone for days doing alcohol and drugs. If I remember correctly, he was addicted to Benzodiazepines. He must’ve loved doing heroin, but boy, he had money to do that.

I knew how to stay alone, way better than any kid of my age. I always had the fear of the dark. I still have it but somehow those cold winters bring goosebumps on my body, even today. So, food supply used to be just one big loaf of kenyér, traditional Hungarian bread. Sometimes, he was gone for more than a week. I used to wonder if he’s just forgotten his way home. After 5 days, the bread supply was often over.

I’m assuming I was on an empty stomach even on the day we went to the circus. The first bite of the cotton candy must’ve been heavenly for me. I rarely got anything sweet.

I remember finishing it very slowly. Once I was done, the pierrot tilted his neck towards me and got up. I looked at him as he was getting up. Again, the huge figure looked down at me with a strange smile.

I got up with him because I had made up my mind that I would not leave his back. I had decided that I would go with him.

He gave me his index finger, and I walked with him with the red rose in my hand. I glanced at it and then looked at the Pierrot.

We walked to the other edge of the circus, where they had their tent set up. We reached the entrance, and he moved the draped cloth door, and we got inside.

It was a bright room inside with almost no one other than a woman dressed as the Queen. She was doing her makeup.

She looked at us as we entered and said, “Don, who is this little kid ? Did you kidnap him ?”

He looked at her and replied with just body expressions. He acted scared and frantically waved both his hands in front of her.

She yelled, “Oh, come on, you’re in the dressing room, you don’t have to act like a Pierrot in here!!”

I glared at how beautiful and shiny she looked. Her dress was full of tiny mirrors.

By now, I at least knew his name.

She got up from her seat, walked towards me, lifted my chin with her fingertips, and probably asked for my name, I guess.

I kept quiet because I did not understand her language. I don’t even remember what the sentence sounded like.

She looked at Don and gave a vertical nod.

Don just shrugged and did a thumbs down.

She yelled something in English again, got up, and walked out.

He lifted me and made me sit in front of the mirror at the same place she was sitting, and sat in the corner of the tent writing something. I looked at myself.

“Tchik!”, I heard.

He was looking at me and was saying something through body expressions. He pointed at me, then at his own back and gave a thumbs up with a generously large smile on his face.

As a kid, I did not have many fancy clothes. There was this one shirt my late grandmother had stitched for me. It had a sunflower on the back, embroidered with colorful threads. I’m guessing that evening he was pointing at it, and probably he also liked it.

He went back to noting something down and I kept staring at him.

If I remember correctly, it was a very strange room to be in. A person dressed up in a costume, who, when dressed up, did not speak a word. His troupe partner yells because he is stubborn and doesn’t get out of the character even when off stage / performance. I liked it. There is something about performance that the dishonest don’t know. Performance is sometimes the best way to be honest. It was a strange room, and I just wanted it to get stranger and stranger.

He closed his book, came behind me, and looked at me in the mirror. Turned the seat around and sat in front of me.

Pointed his finger at me and waved his hand as if he were asking what my name was.

I remember that moment very clearly. To me, his facial and body expressions said a lot more than if he were to use words.

I did my guess and said, “Vincent Szabo.”

He smiled.

Just as I was about to mimic his actions to ask his name. He put his hand in his pocket and took out a silver packet. He tore it from one end and took out a brown wafer. Probably, wheat. And handed me one.

I gulped the very moment he handed it over to me, and it was super tasty.

My first time eating a wheat cracker was that day.

Over time, I’ve learnt a lot about Theatre, cirque styles, and different forms of performance. Pierrots have evolved a lot century by century. A Pierrot is practically a white canvas. With time, they were portrayed as the melancholics. Pierrots symbolized everything from spiritual perfection to death. A person with a plain canvas and no speech could be interpreted as anything.

That was also the last day of the circus. If I remember correctly, he picked me up and placed me over his shoulders. Then, we walked out of the tent.

The park was shining because of the golden hour, and it was an amazing sight. I remember feeling on top of the world. Kids stood and stared at me, thinking. Probably, also admiring my bravery of sitting over a Pierrot’s shoulder.

He took me to the center of the park where the biggest tent was located. It was also where the final musical was supposed to happen.

My father was fond of music, and we had this little radio at home. Now, as I’m a grown-up, I think the music helped him trip on ACID and other psychedelic drugs. I don’t really know, he was a rather confusing person to understand. Whenever he was gone for days, I’d often try and listen to the radio for hours to forget my hunger. And that is also how I fell in love with music. Probably, only the radio has ever heard me cry in the dark.

He kept rushing toward the bigger tent, and in no time, he got me inside without a ticket. But, I had the ticket. My father had put the ticket in my shirt’s top pocket before I went for the carousel ride. But no one checked at the tent entrance. I guess it was because of the shoulders I was riding on.

He put me down after a while at the front row and rushed towards his teammates. I glanced at them for a while but I remember being very scared of so many people and kids around me. I was looking down and was on the verge of walking away.

And suddenly, a loud voice came in,

“Szia Gyerekek”

All the clowns on the stage started looking at the corners of the tent and at each other. As if they did not know where the sound was coming from.

The voice said, “SORRY, BUT THAT’S ALL THE HUNGARIAN I KNOW!”

The crowd laughed, cheered, and was all pumped up.

“I’M COMING, BE READY TO MEET THE RING MASTER OF THIS GRAND COMMUNION OF ART, THEATRE AND A LITTLE BIT OF CHILDISH WANT!”

A person with a big, colorful microphone in his hand showed up. He wore a red and white striped long hat, a fake moustache. He wore a suit that had an absurdly long back. He wore a red suit inside with polished black shoes. He came to the center, jumping and standing for a moment, looking at all of us.

Raised his microphone and said, “ARE YOU REEADDDYYYYYY” in a bustling and bold voice.

Everyone cheered again, and I was just scared looking at the vivid scenery. It was a surreal sight.

The music started as he was looking at all of us.

STRANGE POLKA-LIKE BELL AND MOUTH ORGAN MUSIC FILLS THE TENT.

No one noticed a full fledged 20-25 people orchestra sitting behind in the dark. The lights focused on the percussionist as he started playing. Then, the drums accompanied him.

The moment all of this started, the jesters, clowns and everyone started dancing.

The ringmaster with the microphone suddenly screamed, “STOP!!!” and asked the crowd to be quiet. “Shhhh, Shhhh, Shhhhhhhhhh” and waved his hands down, asking them to sit.

He said, “PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER FOR THE MIGHTY, SILENTLY WHIMSICAL AND THE GREATEST ORCHESTRA OF ALL TIME - LA CARAVANE DES MARIONNETTES”.

He took a pause while the audience was still silently looking at him.

And he whispered, “WELCOME TO THE VAUDEVILLIA.”

Suddenly shifting to a bold tone, saying, “A MUSICAL OF PERFORMANCE! Sit back, relax, and be a part of the hypnotism.”

The ringmaster took his leave, and all the jesters stood lined up while Pierrot stayed in the center. He was the performer that night. He was the only one dressed as a pierrot, and everyone else felt like they were supporting performers in his dance with a black rose.

The musical began, and I almost felt lost in it. After a while, my feelings intensified, and I was almost going to cry.

I remember that brilliant evening. As the musical progressed towards the end, everything was quiet. The violins, harmonica, and the choir came together for the final moment. The energy inside the room had taken a different direction.

I suddenly got off the seat and sat down, sobbing very hard. I had my head between my knees, and I just couldn’t stop crying at all. I could feel my body shivering and goosebumps getting harder.

The musical was over, but I couldn’t stop crying at all. I had my head down, sobbing restlessly, when someone kept their hand on my back and lifted my chin using their finger. It was Don. He came to me as everyone looked at us.

He put his hand forward and asked, “Will you join us? We are The Nocturnal Smiles.”