Miscarriage

It was 2023 September, chilly evening, I was peacefully watching TV, suddenly, I ran towards the toilet to vomit, I realized that I was pregnant.

I tested my urine on the device, went to my boyfriend with excitement, showed him the tests which turned red with 2 vertical lines on the device.

I walked all happy for the next 9 months.

But my stomach- it was never growing as much, I was never feeling as heavy, as I expected, as I should have.

I knew something was wrong. I always knew I was missing something. I hallucinated the kicks. Maybe they were just my heartbeats saying to me in silence, “Jule, it’s a miscarriage.”

I was afraid, very very very fucking afraid, I kept on yelling at my boyfriend, “It’s not a miscarriage”.

I believed, believed so much in my thoughts, in my sorrow, in my madness, in my desire, but all of ’em, all of those motherfuckers, yes, every single one of them, was just born to break my beliefs. We humans, were never born to break each others beliefs.

They said, I was wearing shoes of the wrong sizes, I kept falling in love with my boyfriend, he hugged me every day, but he did not say anything, which would break my belief.

1.5 years passed away, working, walking with my half-heavy heart and the stomach, with crazy grown hair, dark circles, and sharp painted black nails, I lost faith in my body I was becoming certain that yes, “I’ve been miscarrying”.

After that, I woke up every day, and told myself, “one last chance”, “maybe, I am really pregnant” “and it could be that I just need more patience”.

4 months have passed since June, I had some hope that one day, the kicks would get stronger, I’ll feel the terrible pain in my womb, which I’ve been waiting for almost 2 years.

Today, while I was bathing, I started feeling the pain in my vagina, blood flew through it like water, the bathroom was dirty red.

I shouted, fell to my knees, hands covering my head, pleading, begging, apologizing. I punched my head in anger, I punched myself badly,

Suddenly, I yelled in anger, “Don’t beat me, I did not do it on purpose”.